Different Conundrums
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What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One
bayonets, the other nets a bay. What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet). What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, the other hates his book. What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables to them? Quick and short. What is the worth of a woman? Double you, O man (w-o-man). Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. What shape is a kiss? A-lip-tickle (elliptical). What becomes every woman? A blush. Why are three couples going to be married like penny trumpets? Because they go two-two-two. What is that which fastens two people together, yet touches only one? The wedding-ring. What is a ring? A hole with a rim around it. What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt. Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters behind to settle. Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills are all over dew (overdue). What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man who has eaten as much as he can? One is signed and dated, and the other is dined and sated. What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. How should love come to the door? With a ring. If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to marry, what flower would he name? Any money (anemone). When may two people be said to be half-witted? When there is an understanding between them. Why is the science of self-defense like low tide? It develops the muscles. Why should a teetotaler never take a wife? He will not sup-porter (support her). Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good for nothing. What relation is the door-mat to the threshold? A step-father (farther). When is love deformed? When it is all on one side. Where have you the most extended view? In a hop-garden, for then you see from pole to pole. What burns to keep a secret? Sealing wax. Plant the setting sun, and what will come up? The morning glory. Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy ciphering? He puts down three and carries one. Why are eyes like stage-horses? They are always under the lash. What is the brightest idea of the day? Your eye, dear. Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee drink? They are 'lasses in water. Of what color is grass under snow? Invisible green. What is the hardest conundrum? Life, because we all have to give it up. What is that which is often given you, which you never have, yet which you often give up? A conundrum. What kin is that child to his own father who is not his own father's son? His daughter. If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation is Dick to Tom? Tom is his grandfather. When does a man sneeze three times? When he cannot help it. Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? Because his master pays it for him. When may a man be said to have four hands? When he doubles his fists. What goes over the water and under the water, but never touches the water? A woman crossing a bridge with a pail of water on her head. How many peas in a pint? One. When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By fowl means. Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? Because he carries his calves there. Why does a cat rest better in summer? Because summer brings a cat-a-pillow (caterpillar). What is it that every man overlooks? His nose. Why should potatoes grow better than any other vegetable? Because they have eyes to see what they are doing. What were the last words of the bugler who was gored by the bull? "Blow the horns!" Why are lawyers like shears? Because they do not cut each other, but only what comes between them. What have feet and walk not? Stoves. What have eyes and see not? Potatoes. What have noses but smell not? Teapots. What have hands but work not? Clocks. What have mouths but eat not? Rivers. What have ears but hear not? Cornstalks. What have tongues but talk not? Wagons. Why do we all go to bed? Because the bed will not come to us. What is higher and handsomer when the head is off? A pillow. What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste. Why do dentists make good politicians? Because they have a great pull. If a tailor and a goose are on the top of a monument, what is the quickest way for the tailor to get down? Pluck the goose. If I walk into a room full of people and place a new penny upon the table in full view of the company, what does the coin do? It looks round. Why is a mouse like hay? Because the cat'll eat it (cattle). Why is a madman equal to two men? Because he is one beside himself. Which member of Congress wears the largest hat? The one who has the largest head. When does a pig become landed property? When he is turned into a meadow. What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair? One gives milk and the other gives whey (way). What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? The cowslip. When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings; because she then has her hands where her feet ought to be. Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an airy-nought (aëronaut). Why do little birds in their nests agree? For fear of falling out. Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant sight to witness? Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar). What impermeable fabric is a sparrow like? Gutter percher (gutta percha). Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The crane. Why does the rope dancer invariably have to repeat his performances? Because they are always on cord (encored). When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a little Indian in it. What part of a fish weighs most? The scales. What is that which works when it plays and plays when it works? A fountain. Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because it is easier to preach than to practice. Why are sailors bad horsemen? Because they ride on the main (mane). Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a common? Because it goes round the waste (waist). Why is a thief like a knocker? Because they are tied up to prevent disturbance. What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the honey, and the other all the whacks (wax). Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? Because it's often under arms. Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fishermen? Because they live by hook and by crook. What is that which has four legs and flies in the air? Two canary birds. What is the only pain of which every one makes light? A window pane. Why is a smith a dangerous companion? Because he deals in forgery. Why are coals like poor laboring men? Because they feed the great. Why is an honest friend like orange chips? Because he's candid. Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? Because it has a colonel (kernel). Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? Because it is best when full. What is the principal part of a horse? The mane (main) part. Why is a candle like an atheist? Because it's wicked. Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both produce a bark. What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's helmet? A cask (casque). Why is it no offense to conspire in the evening? What is treasonable is reasonable after _t_. Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? Because he is in a-coughing. Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze? Because he's at a stand. What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is. What language should a linguist end with? The Finnish. What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual people? Brilliancy. What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to dress, the other dresses to kill. Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity). A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; how was this? He had two--and one smelt. If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five dollars, what would a ton of coal come to? To ashes. Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he's always on the strike for wages. Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup? Because it is a liquidation of stock. Why is a wide-awake so called? Because it never had a nap, and never wants one. What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One has feeling, the other is felt. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing street cars. What is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind. How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of black? Buy the above quantities in Boston, and send them down to New York. Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in? Because the cabman always drives over your head. Why is whispering in company like a forged bank note? Because it is uttered but not allowed. Which constellation resembles an empty fireplace? The Great Bear. What is the last remedy for a smoky chimney? Putting the fire out. Why is a clever wit like a chemist? Because he has many a good retort. Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent lover? Because his is unremitting affection. What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed? One is hard up and the other soft down. What comes after cheese? Mouse. Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his policy? Because each has a well-defined end in view. When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed. When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard). Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce. Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because she's a-mounting (a mountain). Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does write (right) by itself. Why are wooden ships, as compared with ironclads, of the female sex? Because they are the weaker vessels. At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long experience has made him sage. When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft. What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve ounces in one pound. What makes a pair of boots? Two boots. What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date. Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded vessel? Because he runs a-ground. Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life. Why is the engineer of a train like an aëronaut? Because he frequently slows down. Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race course? Because there is always a bettor. When may a ship be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate. What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never existed, and still has a name? Nothing. Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes? Because it is matchless. Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers. What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise. Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes around doing good. Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) everything. What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's got one to wag. What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air. When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark. When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it's smoked. When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he's up late (a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked. What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and cannon-eers. Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman. Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the sooner it is put out the better. When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water). What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright. What trade is more than full? Fuller. Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it is an invisible force. When is a borough like a ship? When it is under canvass. Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot. How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow). What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band? The drum. Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his peas and coos. When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing (teething). Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student? Because it is about to enter the ministry. What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog. When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale (pail). When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish). What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is for-bidding. When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field (a wry). What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe. Why are the hours from one to twelve like good Christians? Because they are always on the watch. Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy? Because it is a foul proceeding. What sort of sympathy would you rather be without? You don't want to be pitted by the small-pox. What is that which we often return but never borrow? Thanks. What animals are always seen at a funeral? Black kids. What did the pistol ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give satisfaction." Why is horse racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course. What is a young lady who refuses you? Two no-ing by half. Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by falling due (dew). What games do the waves play at? At pitch and toss. What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring. Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy? Because it's a hiding of the son (sun). When does a man's hair resemble a packing box? When it stands on end. Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a successful actress? Because she's the leading lady. Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to every one he meets. When is silence likely to get wet? When it reigns. How do you make a Maltese cross? Pull its tail. What is a waste (waist) of time? The middle of an hour glass. Who is the most popular preacher? Jack in the pulpit. Why? Because he is silent. Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety? Because it reduces the speed of autos. Why does a student never lead a sedentary life? Because he's always pursuing his studies. Why are bishops like superannuated washerwomen? Because they wear lawn dresses (were laundresses). Why can no clergyman have a wooden leg? Because, although a chaplain may be a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un (layman). If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two in the shade. What is that which becomes too young the longer it exists? A portrait. What is that which we often catch yet never see? A passing remark. What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot? A polygon (polly gone). Why is a lamp like a house? Because it has a chimney. Why is the wall going to decay? Because you can see its molding. How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated. At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage. Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report. What is the most popular paper at a summer resort? Flypaper. What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of paint. Why do you think that a judge of the criminal court is looked upon with contempt? Because every day the worst of scoundrels are set before him. Why is a book like a king? It has many pages. What roof never keeps out the wet? The roof of the mouth. What fruit is on a cent? A date. Why are good women like ivy? Because the greater the ruin, the closer they cling. Why are bad women like ivy? Because the closer they cling the greater the ruin. |
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