Funny Conundrums
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What is the dryest subject? The mummy. When are candles and women most alike? When sputtering. Why are confectioners so much sought for? Because they serve kisses. How many sides has a pitcher? Two, inside and outside. What is wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off. What is the difference between an honest and dishonest laundress? One irons your linen, the other steals it. When is a policeman very like a rainbeau? When he appears after the storm is over. Where are we most likely to find the sky blue? The nearer we go to the Milky Way. What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner? One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold. Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it. Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue. Why is a shoemaker like a true lover? Because he's faithful to the last. What is the difference between a honeycomb and a honeymoon? One is made up of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous sell only. Why is the crabbed old bachelor who made the above conundrum like a harp struck by lightning? Because he is a blasted lyre. When is truth not truth any longer? When it lies at the bottom of a well. What should a clergyman preach about? About a quarter of an hour. When is a man's pastor really and truly his brother? When he's his pa's son (parson). What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he is--the bigger the better? Skin him. Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other goes. When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) the woods--and plains. Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee like? An axe with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used. Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of flash language. Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every post. What is the difference between a correspondent and a corespondent? One is a man who does write (right), and the other a man who does wrong. What kind of servants are best for hotels? The inn-experienced. What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one. Why are sugar-plums like racehorses? Because the more you lick them the faster they go. Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on his stomach. When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it. When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when folded. What key in music will make a good officer? A Sharp Major. What is the key-note to good manners? B Natural. In what key should a declaration of love be made? Be mine, ah! (B Minor). Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they are so accustomed to keep their noses above water. What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A pigs-tye, of course. Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? Because she's empty, yet full of bounce. When is a butcher a thorough thief? When he steals a knife and cuts away with it. Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it's past-your-age (pasturage). If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the deficiency? To a grog shop, because there bad spirits are retailed. What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence. Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental boy and girl kissing? Because it's a syllabus (silly buss). Why is a pictorial riddle like a second kiss? Because it's a rebus (re-buss). Why is the latest thing in a fashionable gown like the South African bushman's club? Because it's "perfectly stunning." Why is a department store like a country sewing circle? Because it has so many notions. Why is a music teacher like a baseball coach? Because he frequently says, "Try that last run over again." What is the difference between a bright scholar and shoe polish? One shines at the head, the other at the foot. What is a better investment the worse it is? A tenement. When does a musician fail? When he is unable to discount his notes. Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary confinement? Because he has too much time on his hands. When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man? When he is losing his patients. Under what circumstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter equally likely to fail? When they make up stories without foundations. Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? Because his mind is always on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!). Why is a good joke like the modern ballot box? Because it is the greatest repeater known to history. Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor? Because she is not afraid of the hook. Why is the aspiring poet about to approach an editor with his verses like a consumptive? Because he's going into a decline. Why is turkey a fashionable bird? Because he always appears well dressed. Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are wicked, and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made light of. How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast. Why is matrimony like an invested city? Because when we are out of it we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it. Why is a person of short stature like an almanac? Because he is often looked over or over-looked. Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive option on a certain girl's kisses? Because it's an omnibus. Why are seasick excursionists like a strong opposition in Congress? Because they are opposed to the motion. Why is the aëronaut whose airship plows into the earth like a successful speculator? Because he has taken a flier in real estate. Why are airship inventors like musicians? Because they bend all their energies to the conquest of the air. Why are the speeches of an orator heard through a phonograph like the State House dome? Because they are hollow but illuminating. Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular dentist? Because each has lost his pull. Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate. Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and puff. |