Puzzle Conundrums
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Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's
farthest from the bark. Why is there no such thing as an entire day? Because every day begins by breaking. What is that which every living being has seen, but will never see again? Yesterday. What is that which _will be_ yesterday, and _was_ to-morrow? To-day. What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body. Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? Because then you are sure to be run over by carriages and automobiles. Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that she is "as beautiful as an angel?" Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be very ancient. What is the superlative of temper? Tempest. On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day. What sort of a musical instrument resembles a bad hotel? A vile-inn. What is it which every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is obtained? A good appetite. If a spider were late to dinner, what would he do? Take a fly. Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you never see two of them together. Why is swearing like an old coat? Because it is a bad habit. Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting from New York, and you went in at this end, where would you come out? Out of the hole. What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses wax candles and the other dips. Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters? Daylight. Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? Because he draws so much water. Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter's studio as hot as an oven? Because it is there that he makes his bread. Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket. What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and waistcoat first. With what two animals do you always go to bed? Two calves. Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Because we see the course that they take, but not the source whence they spring. When is a young lady not a young lady? When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart). Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of mutton? A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than nothing. At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of his dear departed? When he re-wives (revives). Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground? Because there are always so many people picking pockets there. When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide. Plant a puppy, and what would come up? Dog would. Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied until their works are "hung on the line." Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler? Because he is no better (bettor). Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you pass through. Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees). What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? A bald head. Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they sin-till-late (scintillate). Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they die late (dilate). A lady asked a gentleman how old he was. He answered, "My age is what you do in everything--excel (XL)." Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful friend? Because, though you may positively load its back with silver, it will reflect on you. Why is a butler like a mountain? Because he looks down on the valley (valet). What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants? A brush. What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it. Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and no end. Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's? Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony. Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what she seams (seems). When does a man stand a good chance of being completely sewn up? When he has a stitch in his side. Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to each of them. What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? The farmer gathers what he sows, while the seamstress sews what she gathers. If we were going to kill a conversational goose, what vegetable would she allude to? Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus). What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting? To get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry). How is it that the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding that they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they are only miss givings (misgivings). Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough before he gets another. What part of a lion is a new-born infant like? His tail, because it was never seen before. Why can you never expect a fishmonger to be generous? Because his business makes him sell-fish. Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the center of gravity. What is the gentlest kind of spur? A whisper. Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers? Because they make the shells burst on the kernel (colonel). Why is a hammer like a general? It goes to the head, and settles the point of a tack (attack). What is the best material for kites? Flypaper. What two reasons are there why a young lady going to the altar is certainly going wrong? She is miss-taken and miss-led. When does the tongue assume the functions of the teeth? When it back-bites. What is a button? A small event that is always coming off. What medicine ought to be given to misers? Anti-mony. What was the cause of the potato rot? The rot-atory motion of the earth. What is the end to which all like to come? A divid-end. What is Hobson's choice? Mrs. Hobson. Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket? It is a _fare_ thing. Where does one see breakers ahead on land? In a railway station. What is a heavy incidental expense? Having one's tooth filled. What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one, and stand upon the other. How do locomotives hear? Through their engin-eers. What is the great motive for traveling? The loco-motive. Why has a barber more than one life? Because he dyes (dies) very often. How do you call the ship that carries more passengers than the _Olympic_? Courtship. Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad like an overloaded gun? Because it is too much for a charge. When is a United States soldier like a man with a ragged coat? When he is out under arms. When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? When it has lost its nap. Why can hotel boarders dine off the gong? Because "it is a-rousing dinner." Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an ex-actor. Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor, for he is beset by the "devil." How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? Because she's taking a part (taken apart). Why is a watch like the moon? Because it presents halves and quarters and reports time. Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins? Because he has to pay an alimony (an alley-money). Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like an ignorant school teacher? Because her pupils are kept in the dark. Why is a ball discharged in the air like an article for soldiers' comfort? Because it is a blank hit (blanket). Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest bankrupt man? Because they both fail to become rich. Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage festival like one on horseback? Because she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein). Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the receiver is as bad as the thief. Why do architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at drawing houses. Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admired for her cheek. Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? Because it is catching. Why do girls kiss each other, and men not? Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and men have. If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon do I use? A blunderbuss. Why would young ladies of the present day make good pugilists? Because they are eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and willing to make a match with a man twice their own size any day. When is a man a muff? When he holds a lady's hand without squeezing it. When is a man a spoon? When he touches a lady's two lips without kissing them. How would you measure a lover's sincerity? By his sighs (size). When is music like vegetables? When there is two beats (beets) to a measure. Why is the _Outlook_ like a man of fourscore? Because it's weekly. Why is a false oath like a trial in the criminal court? Because it is per-jury. Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the more they are with them. What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and broken? Pieces. What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing room after dinner? A different one. What animals always have gaiters on? Alligators. What nation has always overcome in the end? Determination. Why should you never sleep in a railway train? The train runs over sleepers. What most frequently becomes a woman? A little girl. |
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