Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer? Because the
men seek comforters, and the ladies seek muffs.|
How do the young ladies show their dislike of mustaches? By setting
their faces against them.
Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because you seldom find one who
can decline Matrimony.
Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? In the dark.
Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it.
Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel? Because the
felloes around it are tired.
Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a hangman? It has a stern duty
What is the difference between a cat and a document? One has claws at
the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its
What two beaus can every lady have near at hand? El-bows.
When is a man like a cannon-ball? When he looks round.
When does the House of Representatives present one of the most
ludicrous spectacles? When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its
noes (nose) on the other.
What three acts comprise the chief business of some women's lives?
Attr-act, contr-act, detr-act.
Why does a donkey eat a thistle? Because he's an ass.
What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp? One you
lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick.
Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough? Because you will
be sure to disturb the _rest_ of the congregation.
When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the
reading desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the
When is a rushlight like a tombstone? When it is put up for a _late_
Why are women like churches? Because there is no living without one;
because there is many a-spire to them; and because they are objects
Why is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity? Because
it's ever-last-in' (everlasting).
Why are kisses like creation? They are made of nothing, yet are very
Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon?
He's tor'd his clothes.
Why is a greenback more desirable than gold? When you put it in your
pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.
Why is it dangerous to walk out in the spring? The grass is full of
blades, the trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, and the
bull rushes out.
What is that which, although only four inches long and three inches
wide, contains a solid foot? A shoe.
What is the difference between a physician and a magician? One is a
cupper, the other a sorcerer.
What becomes of all the pins? They fall to the earth, and become
Why is a belle like a locomotive? She transports the mails.
Why is a Freshman like a telescope? He is easily drawn out, seen
through, and shut up.
Why is a flea like a long winter? It makes a backward spring.
What is the smallest room in the world? The mush-room.
What is the largest room in the world? Room for improvement.
What is that which is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters
the weakest and most depraved, as well as the best of men? A hat.
Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would
be in fowl language.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower
garden? Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture).
Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them
What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more
than yourself? Your name.
What tongue is that which frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet
does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.
When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped
up in himself.
What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.
Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better
tempered he is the easier he takes a fence (offense).
What is a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl.
Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin'.
When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists
What is the difference between a butterfly and a volcano? In one the
lava comes out of the crater, in the other the "crater" comes out of
Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like one who presents a young
lady with a young dog? He gives a gallop up (gal a pup).
Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? It has sent many a boy to
What is the best way to double a flock of sheep? Fold them.
Why are mortgages like burglars? They secure (seek your) money.
Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph? It is so much quicker
than the mail (male) intelligence.
If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it be a good plan to lose
another to-morrow? So as to make your loss a-gain.
What constitutes a weighty discourse? First to ann-OUNCE a text, then
to ex-POUND it.
What is disgusting to all but those who swallow it? Flattery.
Why is a lawyer like an honest man? He is a man of deeds as well as
Why does a young man study law? To get on.
Why does he continue in the profession? To get honor.
Why does he leave the profession? To get honest.
What is the difference between fog and a falling star? One is a mist
on earth, the other is missed in heaven.
Why is the present moment like skim-milk? It's scum (come).
Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle? They both hold a
How can you shoot one hundred and twenty hares at one shot? Fire at a
Name that which, with only one eye put out, has but a nose left.
Why are laundresses good navigators? Because they are always
crossing the line, and going from pole to pole.
What is that which if you name it even you break it? Silence.
What is that which you can keep even after giving it to somebody
else? Your word.
What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? Go
round with the world.
What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he
takes? The snuffers.
Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are
continually passing between them.
What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.
Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous Koh-i-noor diamond? Because
he's a Jew-ill.
Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is
lost upon him.
What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A
pack of cards.
What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky
What question is that to which you positively must answer yes? What
does y-e-s spell?
What would a pig do if he wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a
knot in his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty).
If the before-mentioned porker wished to demolish the pig's sty he
had built, what quotation would he make? "I could a tail (tale)
What is that which is white, black, and red all over, which shows
some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A
Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and
What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur?
Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because
they always manage to accomplish their own ends.
Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry? At the State Bath House,
where you can get a duck for a dime.
Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy
What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs.
When would a farmer have the best opportunity for overlooking his
pigs? When he has a sty in his eye.
What is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.