Why is a good husband like dough? Because a woman needs him.|
Why is it that the sun always rises in the East? Because the (y)east
makes everything rise.
What is a very frequent mistake clergymen make in their sermons?
Their being too long.
What is that if you take the whole away some remains? Whole-some.
Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because
when purchased it goes to the cellar (seller).
What is the difference between a baby and a shipwrecked sailor? One
clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par.
Why is a lance like the moon? Both are the glory of the knight.
When can you carry water in a sieve? When it is ice.
Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain? It is a slow pup.
What is larger than a nutmeg? A nutmeg-grater.
When is it easiest to read? In the autumn when Nature turns the
Why do women seek husbands named William? That they may have a _Will_
of their own.
Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in? It leaves a-wake behind.
Who are the best astronomers? The stars, for they have studded the
heavens for centuries.
What is it that goes up and down hill, but never moves? The road.
What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and a fountain?
One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
How does a sailor know there's a man in the moon? Because he has been
to sea. Why didn't he stay there? Because he found it was full.
Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 train? It is ten to one if
you catch it.
Why should alchemists and astrologers be females? They are often Ann
Elizas and Charlotte Anns from birth.
How does Patrick propose to get over his single blessedness? By
proposing to Bridge-it.
Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it requires two heads and an
Why should a man named Benjamin marry a girl named Annie? Because he
would then be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated.
State why a donkey browsing in a bed of thistles appears ill. Because
he's a little down in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about the
Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly
squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass.
When is a teapot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it (your tea's in
Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss (purpose).
When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer? When it stems the
Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it's meant to keep the
Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they
keep the sparks off.
In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fashioned
curtains? When it's tap is dry (tapestry).
Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry?
Because they have a gall on a bier between them.
What is the best day for making pancakes? Fry-day.
Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both
occasioned the fall of man.
On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together? Skates,
soles, an' (h)eels.
In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak? In
Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to have more than two reasons
for the faith that is in him? Because three scruples make a dram.
What is the best key to a good dinner? Turkey.
Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? It is a pup-pet.
Which of the planets would a tortoise like best to live in? Herschel.
Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Because it pierces hearts.
What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic? A reel.
Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? One makes a din, the other a
What death does the sculptor die? He makes faces, and busts.
When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty? When
there is not a _single_ person in it.
Of what trade is the sun? A tanner.
When may a ship be said to be in love? When she is tender on a
When is she actively in love? When she seeks a mate.
When is she ambitiously in love? When she is making up to a peer.
When is she foolishly in love? When she is attached to a great buoy.
When is she absurdly in love? When she is h'anchoring after a heavy
When is she demonstratively in love? When she hugs the shore.
When is she weakly in love? When she rests on the bosom of a little
When is she treated too familiarly? When a smack follows her bow.
Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He asks for alms when he wants
Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on
ropes and poles, and thrives.
If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against?
Against his inclination.