Answers to Conundrums
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Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy it
without crackers. Why ought women to be employed in a post-office? Because they know how to manage the mails (males). Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of waves on the shore? Because they are murmurs of the tied (tide). What have you now before you which would give you a company, a veiled lady, and a noisy toy? Co-nun-drum. Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest? Because she is engaged in a kid-napping project. What is the cheapest candy? Horehound, because the advertisements of it read constantly, "Horehound drops 10 cents a lb." Why does a rich lady act prudently by marrying a penniless man? Because she husbands her resources. Why should a straw hat never be raised to a lady? Because, no matter how much you raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is never felt. When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled. Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth. Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done with the pen. Why are good intentions like fainting ladies? Because all they want is carrying out. What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet done? Stop a minute. Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? Because he must take it off its guard. Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a true convert? Because its turning is the result of conviction. Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by conducting it with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than most others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid. Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it out. What is that which a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox. Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events? Because it is an auger-ill. What is the strongest day? Sunday, because all of the others are "week" days. What is the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment. Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an airy-naught (aëronaut). Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody. Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware. Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs. If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss the beauties of summer? Because the fall follows right after the spring, unless he makes a summerset between them. What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? She weighs anchor. Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the close (clothes) of the week. When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it is a bad one. Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his own (k)nell. What is it which covers a multitude of sin(ner)s? The gravestone. Why is a vessel being blown out to sea like a bankrupt householder? Because both submit to a forced sail. Why is a rooster on a fence like a penny? Because his head's on one side and tail's on the other. What is the military definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters. Why are washerwomen foolish people? Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard. What is smaller than a mite's mouth? What goes into it. Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches the age of discretion. Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond? Because he has a visible means of support. What is the difference between photography and whooping-cough? The one makes facsimiles, the other sick families. Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall? Because he stands over four feet. Why does the mayor order the saloons closed after a great fire? That the people may not try to drown their losses. What is it which more people lie under than upon? The gravestone. What is it that opens to all comers, advertises only the doctors, and yet is good for everything that ails you? The grave. Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked automobile? They've both got flat tire. Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer? Because he works up his plot. Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he immediately removes his weeds. Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately determined? Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall from his eyes. How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by executors, resemble his deceased patient? He feels terribly cut up. How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the faithful orderly? He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the orderly obeys orders from headquarters. What is the best place to sow wild oats? Near a bank. Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you a-light. Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social reprobate? Because he's too fast. Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section. What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it has a mile between its first and last letters. Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound troy. What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an impression. Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is twenty-two (too). Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated. That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which every one asks, and that which very few take? Advice. When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes. When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms. What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed? A lamp lighter. Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles in the air? She indulges in-fancy too much. When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a just judge? Because you hear both sides. What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and sentimentally the untied. Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a will. How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel? By ex-Pres. Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent? Because he's been operated on. Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the washing fluid? Because he has swallowed the lye. Why is the fresh young upstart like an aërial postman? Because he's up and coming. Why is an elevator man like an aëronaut? Because his life is all ups and downs. What is the coldest place in an opera house? Z row. What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates. Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star? Because everybody's crazy about him. Why do love letters have a financial value? Because they are promissory notes. When are words musical? When they have a ring to them. When is a woman a live wire? When she's shocking. Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies? Because of the frequency of whirlwinds there. Why is an astronomer like a theatrical manager? Because he's always looking for new stars. Why is an airship bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of an ancestor? Because it is a family heirloom. When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? When it is a little bare. When is a fish above its station? When it rises and takes a fly. When is a boy not a boy? When he is a regular brick. When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler. When is a skein of thread like the root of an oak? When it is full of knots. What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never sleeps in it? A river. Why should you never have a tailor who does not understand his trade? Because you would get bad habits from him. |