What is the difference between a sailor and a soldier? One tars his
ropes, the other pitches his tent.|
Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? Falsehood.
What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste.
Why are cobblers like a famous physician? They are skilled in the
art of healing (heeling).
What pen ought never to be used for writing? A sheep pen.
When is a subject beneath one's notice? When it is under
Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? He knows the value of his
When is a bill not a bill? When it is dew.
When is a pint of milk not a pint? When it's condensed.
What tune makes everybody glad? Fortune.
What is it that has four legs and only one foot? A bedstead.
Why is attar of roses never moved without orders? Because it is sent
wherever it goes.
What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.
What precious stone is like the entrance to a field? A-gate.
When is a man like frozen rain? When he is hale (hail).
Which of the stars should be subject to the game laws? Shooting
What garden crop would save draining? Leeks.
When does a cook break the game laws? When she poaches eggs.
When is a river like a young lady? When it is crossed.
Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? Because he often feels a
great deal bored.
When does a donkey weigh least? When he is within the pound.
What is the last blow a defeated ship gives in battle? Striking her
What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm? It had
better be sewn (sown).
Why should onions be planted near the potatoes in a garden? So that
the onions may have a tear-producing effect upon the eyes of the
potatoes and make them self-irrigating.
Why may not the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber? Because
no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal.
What is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The
Which is the greatest number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen?
Six dozen dozen, of course.
What is that which, the more you take from it, the larger it grows? A
If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke?
Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion? Because he is equal to any
Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw Windsor
Castle all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if
Why is money often moist? Because it is frequently dew in the
morning, and mist at night.
Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one
side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time.
And what do they do when they die? Lie still.
When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.
What proverb must a lawyer _not_ act up to? He must not take the will
for the deed.
Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes
When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
Why is a straw hat like kissing through the telephone? Because
neither is felt.
Why is your shadow like a false friend? Because it only follows you
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the
If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he
say? "I have no i-dea."
When are lawyers circumstances? When they alter cases.
Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? It keeps a-waggin'.
Why are chickens liberal? They give a _peck_ when they take a
What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer.
Why is a young lawyer in his office like one of his chickens roosting
on his neighbor's fence? He has no business there.
What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy? One arises
from a strong _will_, the other from a strong _won't_.
In what color should friendship be kept? In violet.
What is the noblest musical instrument? An upright piano. What the
vilest? A lyre.
How do seamstresses resemble rascals? They cut and run.
Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of conundrums? Because it is
full of notions.
Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the water? Because he goes on
Why is the man who falls in the kennel approved of? Because he's
Why is an organ an enemy to religion? Because it stands against the
Why are sharpers like sparrows? Because they feather their nests.
Why is a looking-glass very complaisant? Because it always does as
the company does.
Why is a newspaper like a lame man? Because it generally lies.
Why is a staircase like a back-biter? Because its rail's against you.
Why is a high wind like a dumb man in distress? Because it makes
Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals? They _gambol_ all their
youth, live by the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and they get
fleeced at last.
Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog? He makes a little _hare_
go a great way.
Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never
starved? Because he's never without a bit.
Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan? Because he's in bed
before his master.
Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? Because he has a good
Why is an apple like a good song? Because it is encored.
Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun? Because it covers the
Why is a smith like a ferryman? Because his business is to work ore.
Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter house? Because it holds
the stock in (stocking).
Why is a holly bush like a corpse? Because it is or will be berry'd.
Why is an apron like peas? Because it is gathered.
Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed coming out of the opera, does
it make him complimentary to the ladies? Because the pressure makes
Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders like two beautiful
young ladies? Because they're pair-o'-guns (paragons).
Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin? Because when once changed
it soon goes.
What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.
When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast.
Why is a lover's heart like a whale? Because it's a secreter (sea
creatur') of great sighs (size).
How many wives are you allowed by the Prayer-book? Sixteen, viz.:
Fo(u)r better, fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; total,
Why is paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags.
Why can Satan never be uncivil? Because the Imp o' Darkness can never
be Imp o' Light.
Who is the man who carries everything before him? The footman.
Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? Because he makes people
steal (steel) pens and tells them they do write (right).
What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? A pig-sty.
What is better than God, worse than the devil, what the dead live on,
and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from
going too far.
Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? From his mouth.
At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective? When it
Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay
wherever you put her.
Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed? Because you
never know the value of either until they are put under ground.
What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? They will give you
many good points.
What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library? A
Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails
(males) are tied up in bags.