Sentences with Conundrums
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What is an Englishman's notion of woman's mission? Sub-mission. What remedy does an Irishman take for a scolding wife? He takes an e-lix-ir (he licks her). What is the difference between a cloud of rain and a beaten child? One pours with rain, the other roars with pain. What did the sunbeam say to the violet? "Wilt thou?" And she wilted. What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive? The mother--bread being a necessity, a locomotive being an invention, and "Necessity is the mother of invention." What is more moist than a young lady with a waterfall on her head, a cataract in her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied shoes, and a crick in her back? A young lady with a notion (an ocean) in her head. What is the best kind of agricultural fair? A farmer's very pretty daughter. Why is a photograph like a member of Congress? Because it's a representative. Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal? Because he's glad to get off. When is a bank note like iron? When it is forged. Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is light when it rises. Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life? He can't die just (digest) now. Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch? Because he does not feel well. If you were to swallow a man, what sort of man would you prefer? A little London porter. Why should you never make love in the country? Because corn has ears, potatoes eyes, and the beans talk. Why is an aged man like a deserted house? His gait (gate) is broken, and his locks are few. What did a blind man take at breakfast which restored his sight? A cup and saucer (saw, sir!). Which is the laziest plant, and which the most active? The creeper and the running vine. Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a reformed autoist? Because he has suddenly given up motoring. What does a hen do when she stands on one foot? Lifts up the other. Why should the largest tree be near a church? There should be no bigger tree (bigotry) there. Why is a stupid servant like a church bell? He has to be often told (tolled). Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like dancing masters? They depend on their pumps. Why does a duck go into water? For diver's (diverse) reasons. Why does a duck come out of water? For sun-dry (sundry) reasons. What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two? Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion). Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? He isn't dead yet. When is the wind like a woodchopper? When it cuts. What makes the ocean get angry? It has been crossed so often. What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its face, and runs down its own works. When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down. Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver till her bow comes, and can't go off without one. Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and defective. What hands are those which work night and day, yet never wear out; which, although they strike, do not stop? Clock hands. What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker? One minds his peas, the other his cues. What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body? The tongue. Why are books your best friends? Because, when they bore you, you can shut them up without giving offense. Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a sudden squall? Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be sold. Why is no country free? Because anybody is liable to be sold by auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in. Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets? Because he has picked yours (pictures). Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the best of them are but meer-shams. Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation with Miss all written down, word for word? In the dictionary. What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens. Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use until it's broken. How is it guns can kick when they have no legs? They kick with their breeches. Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle? Because he departs from his sphere of action. When is a soldier charitable? When he presents arms. Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when they're exposed to the fire they run. When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in quarters. Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it's worsted. What sort of men are most aboveboard in their movements? Chessmen. Why should good-natured people never go to small dancing parties? Because hops produce great bitterness. What is tantalizing? Giving invitations only to teas. Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons. What is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your addresses. When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously (surreptitiously) obtained. Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would men should do unto them. Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because you un-buzz-'em (unbosom). When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to another. When an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a goat was browsing, what took place? The goat turned to butter (butt her), and the old woman into a scarlet runner. What is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, for he is killed and then cured. Why is an elephant's head different from every other head? Because if you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk. Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs. What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for the first born, the other for the last bourn. Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain? Because he always has an ocean (a notion) in his head. What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they are ashes still. If a tree were to break the panes of a window, what would they say? Tree, mend us (tremendous). When is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored from its length. Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? Because he pierces the ears. Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent singer? Because it is often terribly bawled (bald). Why is a piano like an onion? Because it's mell-odious (melodious). What sort of medicine is most like a sick monkey? A pill (ape-ill). When is a girl like a mirror? When she's a good-looking (g)lass. What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? They talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect without talking. What is the best way to prevent water coming into your house? Do not pay your water rates. What do ladies look for when they go to church? The hymns (hims). When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it? When it has a hole in it. What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning? One is blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black. What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments? The former are dead men, the latter are mended (men dead). Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova before it comes to life. When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp? When he is licked and put in the corner to make him stick to his letters. What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster? One minds the train, the other trains the mind. When is a member of Congress ferocious? When he inserts his claws (clause) into the Bill of another member. What is the best description of "rapid consumption"? Bolting one's food. Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? Because he is stronger than his tail, otherwise his tail would wag him. Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? Because it's not currant (current). When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive from you at the same time? A key to your feelings. Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine? Because she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and passes over the plain. What part of speech is kissing? A conjunction. |
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